I Dare You

Gelding, sometimes sound b/c I'm a Paint Horse! Inexplicably beloved by children, I Dare You is the textbook “tobiano paint horse” great for any paint horse lover who likes gentle rides and dramatic storytelling after every lesson. Loads like a dream, ties quietly for hours, gets along with other geldings, tolerates the farrier (vocally), and is outrageously cooperative with vets—provided the vet brings popcorn for the drama. I sometimes think he fakes lameness just so the vet will come and he had happily lay in his stall. Sometimes he comes out on just 3 legs. But it's all an act!

His headline feature is supreme patience with kids. He knows tricks and can take a bow after any performance. His subheading is a categorical ban on spurs. Put spurs on this horse and he with great conviction remove you from his back. No take backs. Sold AS IS!

I Dare You comes with a refined sensitivity to phenomena that exist exclusively in the bleachers. He once saw Elvis during a pleasure class in Las Vegas! He will spook at ghosts, whispers, or suspiciously fluttering programs that only he can detect. When he’s tired, miffed, or finished working, his preferred protest is performance art: he will dodge out any open arena gate. If that tactic doesn't work, then he uses the shrinking-circle technique until he becomes a very dignified dot in the middle of the arena. Children may kick; he will opt for passive resistance.

His escape-artist resume includes lunging in perfect circles until opportunity presents itself, at which point he will sprint away in a straight line, and you ski behind in a cloud of sand holding on for dear life as the rope burns thru your palms as onlookers watch the show. If you free him mid-performance, he will immediately choose the most normal thing possible—return to his stall and behave as if nothing happened. This has occurred to multiple humans on multiple occasions and remains his favorite practical joke.

He has hobbies. Chief among them: blanket demolition and rolling in every green manure pile. He will destroy blankets with an artisan’s care, then nap in the nearest manure pile until his white coat is artfully green and brown. He also harbors a strong aversion to being lunged by someone who isn’t paying attention; inattentive lungers should expect evasion.

Good with kids; not good with husbands. He is a gentleman with theatrical tastes, a strict “no spurs” policy, and a fondness for dramatic exits.

Asking $25,000 firm. He’s worth every penny if you enjoy unsolicited equine theater.